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RELATIONSHIPS

Meet the Monomyth
November 03, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Life in Los Angeles is a script for a feature film, it employs frequent searches on IMDB and its social network profiles are filled with headshots instead of candids. Life in Los Angeles is built to imitate dreams and has complete character arcs and a few endings in mind before it begins. We hate long-term plans but remain perpetually typecast. This is who we are.

How To Say No To A Date
October 19, 2009, by AV Flox for Twirlit
Being polite doesn’t mean having to do something you do not wish to do. It simply means you must be aware of the other person’s feelings and try to be as gentle with them as possible when declining an invitation. So, how about happy hour on Friday? “I’m incredibly flattered, but no, thank you.”

Good Guys vs. Bad Boys
October 6, 2009, by AV Flox for Twirlit
Movies aside, most of us still entertain the notion that nice guys finish last–if at all. With that in mind, I sat down with several girlfriends and quizzed them on some of the qualities associated with each to weigh the intangibles.

Drunk on You: Alcohol Disinhibits, But At What Cost?
September 29, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
I’m not here to moralize about other people’s choices. If you’ve read me for any amount of time, you know that I don’t believe in that method of interaction. I believe in stories, so I’m going to tell you mine, to give you a little background into why I feel the way I do.

5 Ways She Shows She Doesn’t Deserve You
September 22, 2009, by AV Flox for Manolith
All your friends have been telling you for weeks that you’re too good for her. Naturally, you’ve risen to her defense—you like her, after all, and you’re no pussy. Granted, there are some things she does that make you a little crazy—but does that little crazy qualify as a deal breaker? Expectations differ from one person to another, but there are some things I consider to be pretty unforgivable. If your girl is doing these and they bother you, and either you can’t talk to her about them or have talked to her about them and seen no change, I have three words for you: Dump That B#$%^! You can do better.

Omnivorous Carbon-Based Life Form Seeks Same
September 15, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
So here I am, writing a personals ad. I read the copy. I sound snobby and a little OCD. I start analyzing it to see what I can change to make me sound more palatable. Then I stop. Maybe I am snobby and a little OCD. So what? What if there’s a snobby, OCD man out there for me? I hit submit. Here goes nothing.

7 Types of Men Single Women Encounter
September 14, 2009, by AV Flox for Twirlit
In her book Sex and the Single Girl, Cosmopolitan magazine’s former editor-in-chief, Helen Gurley Brown detailed the reasons to embrace the freedom of the single life: the freedom of focusing on one’s career, gaining financial independence, and enjoying men on one’s terms. One of the first things she does in the book is challenge the myth that there are no men to go around: “Actually, the statistic merely state there are no marriageable men to go around. Nobody said anything about a shortage of men.” We all have run and will run into these seven specific types she detailed in 1962.

5 Places to Meet Women
September 10, 2009, by AV Flox for Manolith
Summer’s over, and its flings with it. Consider fall a time of new beginnings. Where to start? Here are five places to consider–and not a one is a bar.

When A Friend Relapses
August 31, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
I know it isn’t my fault that I didn’t see the demon begin to seep into Spencer’s life until his life was in ruins once again. I know I can’t sit here and blame myself. Still, a part of me wishes I had stayed in AA long enough to have a sponsor and know what that entails. Because I don’t know what it means and until today, I didn’t realize the courage and strength that this requires.

5 Rules For Getting Over Him
August 24, 2009, by AV Flox for Twirlit
“One thing I’m confident we can agree is that break-ups suck,” says my friend Sandra Ann Miller, author of A Sassy Little Guide To Getting Over Him. “They are the emotional equivalent of a Brazilian wax. What’s worse is that everyone seems to have a piece of advice to lend on the subject of break-ups. Some say the best revenge is looking good. Others say the quickest way to get over a man is to get under another one. I don’t believe either to be true; those theories make it all about him.”

Jealousy: Survival Instinct Gone Awry or Love’s Protector?
August 24, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Jealousy. The ultimate response to a relationship threat. A potent mixture of fear of abandonment, sadness, rage, and humiliation. Jealousy is the fuel that propels the sort of (quite often irrational) behavior that, according to evolutionary biologists, ensures the preservation of our bonds with our mates. In an age where we can see more and more of our partner’s lives online, how is jealousy affecting our relationships?

Top 5 Broke Dude’s Guide To Awesome (Read: Cheap) Dates
August 18, 2009, by AV Flox for Manolith
You met a chick and she’s kinda into you. You asked her if she wanted to go out this weekend and she said sure. Now you have to figure out what to do. The city awaits. There’s just one problem. It’s a recession and you’re broke. Don’t worry, dude. There’s plenty of things you can do.

Do Single Women Prefer Men Who Are Already Taken?
August 17, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Earlier this year, Melissa Burkley and Jessica Parker, two social psychologists at Oklahoma State University, performed a study to determine whether single women are more attracted to men in committed relationships than they are to single men. The results are thought-provoking: 59 percent of single women in the study who were shown a photo of an attractive man and told he was single were interested. When that same man was described as already being in a relationship, of the women who saw his photo, 90 percent expressed interest in pursuing him.

As Seen On TV! And Other Things That Aren’t What They Seem
August 03, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
An e-mail dropped into my inbox from a man who had been messaging me to interview me for his blog. I’d apologized due to time constraints a couple of times, most recently this morning. His response was caustic: “I guess you’re too self-important for a little guy like me and would rather date and hang the likes of high-profile douchebags in the tech scene. Fine, whatever. Forget dinner.” When was this ever a dinner invitation? Can people just say what they mean? Can products just advertise as they are?

How To Get Noticed By A Chick On Twitter
July 28, 2009, by AV Flox for Manolith
Twitter is kind of like a giant office, in a way. You may not work in the same department, but you see the other person with some frequency, and get a general idea of what they’re up to and who they are. Of course, like with many of such workplace situations, it’s possible that your crush doesn’t know you exist. So how do you get the attention of a woman on Twitter?

The Blame Culture
July 27, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
All of this reminds me of that quote from Leo Tolstoy—I think it was in War And Peace: “Every society needs someone to admite and someone to despise.” I think ours has become too concerned with finding someone to blame. What would happen if we focused all that energy on finding how to move on instead?

What Do You Want In A Relationship?
July 20, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Looking at yourself is like this. Like art, we are hung for review, labeled appropriately—where we originated, how we arrived to where we are, how much we’re worth, all of these external factors that have only so much to do with who we are. If we were to sit alone with our reflections for an hour, would we break down and weep as Winterson did at that little Amsterdam gallery? “What do you want?” I asked my mirror image.

5 Things Never To Say To A Guy
July 20, 2009, by AV Flox for Twirlit
Communication. That’s one of the first things you’ll read about in any self-help guide to relationships. But there are some things we say that should be permanently struck from our interactions with boys—not because they’re weak creatures we must lure and con into loving us by withholding how we really feel, but because these statements just don’t do much in the way of fostering a good exchange.

Learning To Fly (Or, “Trying To Date Again After Divorce”)
July 17, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
I am determined to give this a go. Strive not for the passion and drama of star-crossed lovers, but the real stuff of a long-term union. To do this, I would have to start with baby steps. Get to know people. Proceed with caution. Identify and communicate my needs. Play no games, put no fronts, sugar-coat nothing, make boundaries, defend them, sacrifice nothing that is important to me in the name of the furious flames of desire.

Confessions of an Inbox: Infidelity In Pixels
July 07, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
“Tell me to stop,” he said. “Tell me I’m inappropriate. Say, ‘David, stop.’ It’s still heat to me.” I should have. But I didn’t. Conversations about life, about work, about writing. We are ourselves and our circumstances. Our circumstances are defined by a series of choices and a series of variables. Choices, like who we marry. Variables, like who we fall in love with.

How To Pick Up Women
July 02, 2009, by AV Flox for Manolith
Many books have been written about how to pick up a woman. An industry has flourished around the idea that this is some kind of Herculean task. It’s not. Here’s how.

The Cougar: Progressive or Exploitative?
June 29, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Not only are older women no longer warned to abstain from sex nowadays, they’re told that 40 is their sexual peak—similar to the peak men experience in at 18. So it follows that women, who are perhaps past a time where their primary concern is creating a relationship suitable to raise a family would seek out men who can match their drive for another desire: sex. Not surprisingly, not all women are comfortable with the ethical issues engendered by the notion.

How Do You Redefine Yourself After A Big Life Change?
June 15, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Definitions. If we are our own masters, as I believe we are, it is within our power to change and become who we want to be. But what if we want to be something that’s not true to us? Who is this woman in the hat?

Finding Closure: Are You Moving Forward Or Backwards?
June 01, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
“You know what’s funny?” my ex-husband asked the day we went to have our divorce papers notarized. “On the initial draft of our divorce papers, you got our wedding date wrong.” I had. I’d put the date I’d been hit by a cab as our wedding date. “I thought it was great,” he said, laughing, a little mocking. “You don’t even remember our wedding date.”

Dance Yourself Back To Life
May 18, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
“Relax, relax,” the dance instructor says coming beside me. “You are very tense. This is easy, this is salsa. This is not about the steps, this is about the music. Come together with your partners and you will always know where to go, even if he does something new. If you lead, be the leader. If you follow let yourself be the led. Do not think, do not resist, move.” So I did.

Could It Be You’re Not The Relationship Kind?
May 3, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
“I have always said you were not my daughter, you were Life’s daughter,” my mother told me. “Yes, see, your sister, she’s my daughter. She will do what a daughter must do for a mother. But you will do for Life what a daughter does for a mother. Life is your mother. You will Live. You will experience. That is who you are. It takes a very special, very enduring man to marry a daughter of Life.”

When A Marriage Disconnects
April 20, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
I don’t think it’s a marriage thing. You don’t have to be married to feel this alone. As much as everything around us seems to point to a happiness we can find in one person, that one great eternal bond, the older I get, the harder it is to believe that this is the case. I’ve had many great loves in my life, many amazing, life-changing loves. These loves have been like the fires that spread in October when the Santa Anas overtake Southern California: powerful, all-consuming, awesome in their majesty. But eventually, all fires go out.

Do Our Lives Make Sense Only When We Have An Audience?
April 06, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Do you ever think about the effect that exposing ourselves on the web has on our lives? It’s like living in a coliseum. As you walk to the center, you feel the roar, and it’s that roar that presents to us, in a sense, a definition of ourselves, a definition of our wars and hatreds, our loves and desires—our life, all of it magnified in the echo chamber so it’s larger than life, so, somehow, we are larger than life. Everything is blown up huge online—every triumph, every sorrow, everything.

Secret Life And The City
March 04, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
“Ask around a little and it’s clear the institution of marriage is under siege,” writes Aaron Gell in this month’s issue of Details. “Not, as you may have heard, by all those homosexuals bum-rushing the huppah, but by the growing legions of bored couples who, while perfectly okay with that ‘for richer or for poorer’ stuff, are iffy on ‘forsaking all others.’”

I Love You More Than Blank
February 16, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Someone recently pointed out how interesting it was that I had a relationships column but rarely talked about my own. So here it is: the truth. There’s a huge difference between being strong and locking yourself in a citadel. That’s me, locked in my tower, writing equations on the wall like this will help me understand the secrets of my heart.

Letter To My Heart: A Declaration of War
February 04, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
This body is loyal to you—it would follow you to its death. In fact, I distinctly recall several occasions when this has nearly been the case. On your whim! You should be ashamed of yourself. “Follow your heart!” What a stupid and reckless thing to tell a person. If I had it my way, I would have you removed, Heart.

Should I Call Him Back?
January 19, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
No one needs to read He’s Just Not That Into You to know what “work thing” means. We’ve all done it. The crazy thing is that we all know it only takes two seconds to call or text someone back to let them know we’re swamped, because we’ve all managed to squeeze the time to do it, no matter how busy we are—when we care enough about the other person.

Online or Alienated?
January 05, 2009, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Has the usability of the web made us lazy? We might appear to be online all the time, but is a vital part of us offline? More importantly: if we began to make this part of us available, would it be welcome, or would our fellow users reject it outright as a terrorist of The Fantasy?

Love in the Time of Web 2.0
December 29, 2008, by AV Flox for BlogHer
Are we so used to the instant speed of instant message and microblogging platforms like Twitter that we are no longer able to wait a couple of days–or even minutes–for a call? Is technology really a blessing, or is it diluting the potency of a relationship?

The Heart Blitzkrieg
February 14, 2008, by AV Flox for Black Heart Magazine
“Valentine’s Day is a psychological aggression,” says my friend, psychologist de rigueur Madison Braune, 47. “One: it’s a torture to singles. Two: it creates the illusion that relationships must always have the intensity of romances. Let me tell you something—when you’ve been married twenty years, you’re not going to be as excited about showing up at your wife’s office with a bouquet of flowers and a poem the way you were excited about it when you were first dating. You have a life together and celebrate your union in different ways. It’s not the death of romance, it’s evolution into something else that’s wonderful and wholly yours.”

The Roadkill Wife
July 20, 2007, by AV Flox for Black Heart Magazine
Those newlyweds who constantly gush, “OMG! I LOVE MY SPOUSE!!!ONE11! EVERYTHING IS SO FABULOUS!!!!” are on some seriously great mood-altering meds. Because it’s not fabulous; it’s weird. It’s weird getting used to having someone in my space 24/7. It’s weird having to check with someone when making plans. It’s weird having to explain some simple life choices and even weirder to have to combine your future plans with those of someone else. It’s weird defining even the simplest tasks and delegating responsibilities to ensure a household works as close to the way both parties would like as possible. It’s deep stuff and menial stuff, but it’s foundation stuff, which means you have to address it. And that blows.

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  • AV Flox writes about web culture; new media’s gradual overthrow of old media; trends in social media; and the complicated entanglements people get themselves into as we venture forth into this new world where, more and more, the analog is colliding with the digital.

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